Issue 17: A marriage of misery

Why is there so much pain in the union of two people?

Mike Wells, an American cousellor and minister, would say: “The purpose of marriage is to make you miserable.” When I first heard this as a young man I had no idea why anyone would associate marrying the one you love with misery. Then I got married.

It is a fascinating phenomenon when two people choose to live as one. They have children together, share assets and liabilities, have joint bank accounts, and sleep in the same bed. They make decisions together — when to eat, what to eat, who will cook, what school the kids will go to, when to have sex or whether to have sex at all, who does the washing, who does the cleaning, how much money they collectively need to earn, who should work to make the money and how, and of course how many pillows to put on the bed. Is it any surprise when two people who were once so in love end up finding a degree of misery in their relationship?

God’s purpose for marriage fits His design for all things — that we should journey away from self-centerdness toward an existence of selflessness. If two are to live as one there must be a move away from individual preference and self-gratification toward giving and serving the other. However, before this there is misery as a husband and wife attempt to satisfy themselves in marriage. Misery rises as each begins to view the other as a barrier to getting their own way. For many this escalates, and then descends into toxicity in a cycle of mutual resentment.

The criticism and fighting is really a form of self-harm because the two are one and when a husband punishes his wife he is inflicting pain on his own person. We know that this type of bitter behaviour is too common and many are hurt in marriage.

To move beyond misery in marriage two things are needed. First, a vision of two-people-as-one is necessary. Hurting a spouse will hurt you because the two of you are part of one entity. Preferring a spouse is serving the marriage, which ultimately is a good thing for you. Second, each needs to love rather than self-gratify. The love I speak of here is not the romantic type found in Hollywood romcoms. It is a love that has a caring word when another verbally abuses, helps when noone else is supporting, and gives without expecting anything in return. This is the love that marriage requires. The strength for such love is God given and can be found at the feet of Jesus. It is difficult to stop hurting and start loving, in small things as well as in big matters.

Thankfully we have a God who offers to work in us to move beyond misery into a marriage of love.

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