Issue 49: HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS Part 2: ATTRACTION, AFFECTION, AND CONNECTION
Image: Bearsky23
In this series, I address some key elements of human relationships and interpersonal connection. In the first essay, I explored how our fixation on materialism has led us to view others as objects rather than subjects. In this second essay, I will build on that discussion and explore the nature of human interaction, specifically how it progresses from surface-level attraction to deeper affection. Finally, in Part 3, I will discuss the divine element in human connection and how an awareness of God is crucial in forming deep, meaningful relationships, while freeing us from the objectification of others.
The factors influencing human interaction have been explored extensively in various fields, including psychology, sociology, and theology, by both academic and non-academic thinkers. In the first essay of this series, I examined how materialism has dominated our worldview, and how a purely objective view of others can lead to the denigration of their humanity. In this second essay, I will explore the complexity of human interaction, which exists within both the material and affective worlds that we inhabit. As discussed previously, humans can view one another as objects or as subjects. Here, I will explore how the objective gaze is connected to attraction or its opposite—repulsion. While the subjective gaze is connected to a deeper form of connection—affection. Connection between people is shaped by attraction and affection.
Attraction: The Initial Phase of Connection
Attraction occurs in the initial phase of human connection. It is an experience in which one person is drawn to the features or qualities of another. Attraction is often a response to surface characteristics that evoke some form of likeness or desire, which may either draw people together or, conversely, repel them. Repulsion, in fact, is the opposite of attraction. There is a wealth of literature discussing both sexual and non-sexual forms of attraction from social and physiological perspectives.
Attraction can occur between individuals of the same sex or of opposite sex. Although it is often associated with romantic interaction, attraction can also arise for a variety non-romantic reasons. Physical features, for instance, can play a role, as can other personal attributes like humour, kindness, and personality traits. Psycho-social elements, such as a person’s standing on the dominance hierarchy, also influence attraction.
Personality traits can also influence attraction. Sometimes, people are attracted to others who share traits with them—for example, two potential flatmates may be attracted to each other because they both are highly conscientious as evidenced in the way they value cleanliness. At other times, people may be drawn to others who possess traits they themselves lack. This might explain why people often find the confidence or assertiveness of others appealing when they themselves are not particularly assertive.
Attraction between people of the same sex is generally less pronounced than attraction between people of opposite sexes. This is because, in most cases, individuals are less agreeable with those of the same sex, especially in competitive contexts. However, there are exceptions, such as when a person has a dysfunctional relationship with a parent of the same sex, which can influence their connections with others. While many of the same factors that foster attraction can also lead to negative reactions or repulsion, these dynamics underscore how complex human attraction can be.
People often take various steps to increase their attractiveness to others, such as personal grooming and signalling social status through displays of wealth, job titles, or educational achievements. Attraction plays a critical role in initiating connections between people. Short-term relationships, such as a brief encounter with someone, can be sustained purely by mutual attraction. For example, I recently met a man at a conference. We connected immediately over our shared views on a particular social issue. Our enthusiasm for each other’s perspective was strong, even though the interaction was brief.
Affection: Beyond Superficial Attraction
While attraction is important, it is a superficial factor in human connection, based on observable characteristics. Many human relationships, however, are more meaningful and carry greater significance than just physical allure or desirable features. The subjective world each person inhabits can also be shared, and when it is, human relationships move beyond mere attraction into the realm of affection. Affection involves liking, fondness, and a deeper appreciation for another person. At its most mature level, affection becomes love—the self-sacrificial giving of oneself for others.
Affection grows as people relate to one another and share parts of their inner worlds. It develops not only through shared experiences but also as a result of an individual’s previous experiences, beliefs, and personal identity. The identity messages we receive as we grow up influence how we relate to others. Our psychological state—shaped by past relationships and experiences—affects why some people are more open and capable of affection, while others may be adversarial or withdrawn.
Affection can grow even through negative shared experiences, especially when one or both people have a moral or ethical commitment to the relationship. For instance, one person may nurse another through an illness, which, though negative, can deepen affection for each other. Meaningful shared experiences, such as conversations, working on projects together, or simply living in close proximity, foster affection. The quality of these shared experiences determines whether affection grows or diminishes.
Morality plays a key role in human behaviour, particularly in how love and sacrifice emerge in relationships. Unlike biological instincts, which are grounded in survival, human morals are shaped by deeper experiences. They enable individuals to form relationships that go beyond mere biological compulsion. Scruton provides a compelling example of this distinction. He contrasts the behaviour of an soldier ant, which defends its colony, with an actual human soldier, who may lay down his life for others in his platoon. Materialists would argue that the ant and soldier are doing the same thing. However, the soldier's actions are very different to that of the ant. They are a choice, rooted in duty to his country and affection for the man standing next to him. This is quite unlike the compulsion which the ant is under, which is biologically driven, not by affection grounded in morality, but by an instinct that cannot be escaped from.
The Uniqueness of Human Affection
Only humans are capable of mutual affection in the truest sense. While animals can form attachments to humans, they cannot engage in a mutual, affectionate exchange. Consider the following thought experiment: My daughter owns a horse, which she loves dearly. If offered a large sum to sell the horse, she would likely accept it, as the money would allow her to pursue better equestrian opportunities. While she might feel sadness at parting with the horse, her attachment is ultimately instrumental—she values the horse as a means to an end. In contrast, most parents view their children as priceless, and most would refuse any offer to sell them, regardless of the price. This difference highlights the unique value humans place on each other compared to animals, whose relationships with humans are largely instrumental.
Connection: From Attraction to Affection
Connections based solely on attraction are superficial, although they can be enjoyable and beneficial in the short term. For example, a positive interaction with an Uber driver might stem from their humour and attentiveness, but this connection is shallow because we don’t know the driver as a person, only as an object performing a service. As people share meaningful experiences, affection develops, and the relationship becomes unique, nuanced, and complex.
Human connections are rarely purely one or the other—attraction or affection. Most relationships begin with an initial attraction, but as people interact more meaningfully, affection grows. For instance, in a job interview, both the employer and the prospective employee strive to make a good impression. Their interaction is primarily objective, based on observable qualities such as appearance, politeness, and knowledge. However, the true measure of a person’s value is revealed over time, through sustained, shared experiences.
Conclusion
The development of mutual affection between people is the essence of the subjective world. It is only through the willingness to move beyond the impulses of attraction and engage with others on a deeper, more immaterial level that meaningful relationships can form. However, in today’s society, the focus on superficial attraction grounded in the objective gaze has eclipsed the deeper, more lasting experience of developing affection for others. This shift is evident in a society increasingly deprived of genuine connection and affection.
To address this issue, we must look beyond the material world and draw on the deeper faculties of human experience—those that connect us to our Creator. It is in this divine relationship that we find the foundation for meaningful, affectionate human connections. The divine element in human relationships will be the topic of the third and final essay in this series.