Issue 55: A Journey
A Parenting Odyssey Essay
Image: Shutterstock
For some time now, I’ve felt a pull to share some reflections on parenting. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be publishing a series of essays under the title The Parenting Odyssey. As I mention in this first piece, neither my wife, Donna, nor I claim to be experts—in fact, I’d argue that "parenting experts" don’t truly exist. However, we have been shaped tremendously by the wisdom of those who walked this path before us. I offer these reflections humbly, hoping that you might find a few insights to help you along your own journey.
Not so long ago on a Wednesday evening in early December, Donna and I sat on our front deck having a glass of wine and chatting. In New Zealand December marks the start of summer and the end of the school year was only a few weeks away. Christmas was just around the corner—the silly season. There was a lot happening with end-of-year events filling up our schedules during the work day and into the evenings, so we were taking a rare moment to just relax. Before long we were joined by two of our kids—Tobias (14) and India (16). Their older brother Noah had already started his summer break and was visiting his grandparents out of town. The two youngest Crowhursts listened as the conversation focused on the troubling behaviour of a couple of students at the school where Donna and I both work.
India chimed in with some of her own experiences working with children. We discussed the abundance of screentime that parents allow their kids to have, unhealthy eating habits and the way that some children believe they can speak to their parents like they are servants. The conversation bounced around from the babysitting job, to kids that we had all known, to the inappropriate deeds of Noah, India and Tobias over the years and the consequences they faced when they crossed the line.
Tobias then jumped in and said to Donna and I, “You guys should write a book to tell people how to parent kids. Dad you could write it, and mum could come up with all the ideas.” Donna queried why she couldn’t write some of it, and I wondered why all the good parenting ideas were assumed to belong to Mum. Anyway, this was high praise from the child we jokingly refer to as The Parenting Consultant for the way he frequently chimes in with advice to help us address issues with his siblings. The suggestion that we should write a book wasn’t the first time one of our kids had given us some positive feedback recently, and over the following few days I reflected on what Tobias had said.
So it is that I stared writing this series which is part narrative, where I discuss my own experiences, part philosophical reflection, where I consider what it means to be a parent, and, part practical guide where I share things we have learnt along the way.
What this series almost certainly is not is a ‘how to’ book or instruction manual. Of course, I want the reader to take away lessons from within these paragraphs. But I do not want to give anyone the impression that parenting is a set of techniques that can be applied in a methodical way so that a good child can be produced.
My motivation for writing this series is simple—to help others. This motivation is further informed by my work as a teacher and school principal, where over the years I have interacted with many parents who are struggling on their parenting journey. My conclusion recently has been that perhaps Donna and I do have something to pass on. Not because we have got things right all the time or that we maintain a perfectly harmonious household. We clearly have neither of those things, as is evidenced by the perceived need for ongoing consultation from Tobias. Nevertheless there are certain things that one learns along the way in life that can and should be passed on to others. In our journey we have gained much from friends, acquaintances and professionals that have helped us avoid having to learn from a far more severe teacher—experience. Of course we have our own bank of bad parenting moments and I’ll include some of these in the following essays in this series.
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Roald Dahl once said that, “A life is made up of a great number of small incidents and a small number of great ones.” This sentiment rings true of the journey that is parenthood.
There are the big events. If I live to 100 I doubt I will never forget the births of all three of my children. These moments are etched indelibly into my memory. Each one a sacred experience that awakened in this stoic a sense of awe and wonder rarely replicated at any other time in my life. There have been monumental achievements. Such as when Tobias placed second in a national cross country race, when Noah, went beyond impressing our family with his acting talent at a school production, or when I received a text from India saying she had achieved ‘excellence’ in a mathematics assessment she studied so very hard for. Then there are the novel experiences that will remain memorable precisely because they happen infrequently, such as overseas holidays or that one time where our whole family was simultaneously hit with a vicious stomach bug. These ‘big’ moments will be reference points, things Donna and I will always remember and recall with lucidity.
Yet life, as with parenting, is mostly a collection of small things. Events that come and go from the present, without making a deep impression and in most cases fading from memory. While it is the big incidents that we carry as mementos for decades, it is the small ones that characterise us as people, as Mum, as Dad. It is in the small things that my children learn what is important to me and what I value.
So it is that the journey of a parent is mostly a tapestry of the ‘small’. One thing after another that when added up over years becomes a big picture, a great odyssey.
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It is curious that we have people who are even touted as so-called ‘experts’ in the area of parenting. Donna and I do not consider ourselves to be parenting experts. I’m not sure how anyone can call themselves, or anyone else, by that label. The term expert denotes a person who is vastly experienced at doing something or knows a lot about a particular topic. While there are things we can ‘know’ in a scientific way about parenting, parenting is far from the application of empirical research data or the provision of certain stimuli that induce a specific response in a child. Although not formulaic parenting is neither a completely personal endeavour. Follow your gut is not the best way to raise children. Children exact emotional responses and inclinations in parents that when acted upon are not necessarily good for the child or the parent. Pacifying a crying baby or a whinging teenager may feel like the best move in the moment, but parenting requires rational thought based on objectively known principles. And, while every home and parenting context is unique there are truths that transcend all homes and cultures, and for many these truths get washed away by the urge to provide a quick fix in the moment.
Behavioural science can explain some elements of fatherhood and motherhood, but parenting runs much deeper. It is a sacred, God-given role. The divine element of parenting is a thread that will run through this series, to overlook it would be to diminish the whole task of parenting itself. As such, I make no apologies for my references to God and the role that the parent-child relationship plays in the plan that God has for each one of us. When I first started thinking about writing on this topic I thought that I might reference the divine element of parenting in a rather muted way so as to appeal to a wider audience. But I have concluded that such an approach would be completely disingenuous on my part. In our parenting we have relied on God and continually called on the name of Jesus for inspiration. Writing a book that minimised the divine would be completely out of line with how we have engaged in our roles as parents.
If I am honest, part of me is reluctant to share from my own parenting journey. My motive here is completely selfish. What I have in my family is something special. Not because my children are perfect—they clearly are not, or because Donna and I are such accomplished caregivers—we have failed too many times to count. But because for the most part the special thing we have delights me, and has done so for many years through good times and bad. And, I am just a little bit concerned that by bringing this wonderful and personal thing to the attention of others, it may be diminished in some way. I’m not even sure why or how that might happen. But like any treasure I gain nothing personally by sharing it with others. However, it would be most selfish if, having received something so wonderful as I have, I were to just keep it for myself. I don’t want to live by the old tongue in cheek prayer:
“Lord bless me and my wife, my son John and his wife, us four, and no more.”
So I hope you can enjoy these reflections on our parenting odyssey. Not every essay will resonate, and not every idea is 100% right, such is the nature of this most unscientific experience that parenting is. But I offer all that is to come as points for your own reflection in the hope that I can gift something to you, as others have to me, and your journey as a parent might be enhanced in the process.